currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
