plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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