Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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