her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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