I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
