i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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