i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
