She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
