tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
