i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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