Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
