Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
