even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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