A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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