i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Shame - the story of my life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
