she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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