I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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