I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
