I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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