What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
