You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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