I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
