I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
