My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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