I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
