Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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