He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
