I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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