Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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