I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
