when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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