I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
