I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
