so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
