If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
