Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
