normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
