If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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