I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
