So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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