I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
