I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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