My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
