Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
