Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
