i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
