She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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