Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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