You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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