what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
