I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
