Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
