Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
