If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
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I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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