sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
What drink are we having for lunch?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
