I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
