you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
