He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
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I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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