Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
