once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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