i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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